Paranoid

 I am happier.
I am not at my best, but I am happier.
 I still don't approve, I still haven't forgiven, I still miss my old friend....but I am tired.
So, So tired of being hurt habitually.
I've realized the only way to stop the continous pain is to completely remove myself.
I never wanted to do that.
But if I don't I will just keep setting myself up for more hurt.
I guess in this situation, in some way, happiness is a choice.
I don't want peole to know I'm happy - because that's usually when bad things happen.
...When I least expect them, when I'm too happy and can't see things happening around me.

I hate drama...I need better grades and to refocus my priorities on school.
i need to distract myself with school.
I need to refind that happiness within myself people keep disrupting...that people keep stealing.
But I must say...all this crap is making me stronger.
It has changed me.
Hopefully, in more positive ways than others.

I am so use to being shocked and hurt...I am terrified that something bad is always about to happen.
I hope I get a break. Just a small break.