Blue, Shaky Flashes

I don't understand.
How do people change so drastically without anyone noticing?
I can't tell if it's my fault for not being observant enough to stop it or just missing a sneaky metamorphesis.

Every single time I think the same person can't hurt me as much as they already did...
they surprise me...

I really want to move away...very, very far away...
So far that no one will remember my existance...and every one else - nothing more than a distant memory.

i want to start over in a better place, surrounded by people who won't continuously hurt me this much...
In solitude...free from these blue, shaky flashes
But I don't think it matters where you go...you can't run away from pain:/
But...you can discover beautiful things...there are so many beautiful things to discover..

I'm just glad to have my friend back home with me:)
I missed her terribly...
Her absense haunted me...knowing that the temporary void that she left behind could've been permanent.
I hope she knows I love her...
I hope I don't annoy her.
I'm sure I do.. ;D

Merry Christmas everyone.
meep

Study and Fail? Sleep andFail?

No use in staying up
The information on my exams are either extremely lengthy or ridiculously unclear.
I'm preparing for my exams by resting my mind because it needs some serious healing after staying up till 5 this morning.
As for Exams, I'm screwed. Staying up late tonight won't help me pass.
I dont even have the mental capacity or attention span to comprehend the information




I have straight B's and one fresh C.
I have to do well on my exams.
I need the drive to do it.
I need the information and a helpful way to memorize everything


I did so much better last year
Im too sad to care.
I really want to care



meep

"Happiness is a choice"

I asked my friend what he thought about happniess being a choice.
He brilliantly responded:
"I mean it might partially be a choice but not completely.
 I mean if you're hungry, you're hungry. You can chose to
ignore it, but it doesn't change the fact that you're hungry,
and you're only going to get more hungry".

Check mate.

meep

Exams

TO ANYONE READING THIS BLOG

Hello,
It's pretty obvious this is a blog that I don't want to become to popular.
I know what you're thinking: "ITS ON THE INTERNET"
if you're reading this, keep into account how personal this is.
I don't want you to spread this around with your friends.
i don't want you to gossip about it.
Resist.
My whole life i have been living under the radar (and im okay with that!)
I don't want the WHOLE world to know how I feel
There are some people who don't deserve to see this blog
And on the other hand, there are some people who need to know they aren't allone.
They aren't the only one's hurting.
(Which isn't what the whole blog is about....just going through a rough patch!)

I have a bargain. I will allow you to read these thoughs if you swear to not let this blog slip or spread.
i don't want that to happen.
I trust you.
keep this as much on the DL as possible.
yes, yes I did just say DL.

Thanks for being curious enough about me to take the time to care what I have to say.
If that makes sense...hrm.

Merry Christmas


-Alex
meep

Paranoid

 I am happier.
I am not at my best, but I am happier.
 I still don't approve, I still haven't forgiven, I still miss my old friend....but I am tired.
So, So tired of being hurt habitually.
I've realized the only way to stop the continous pain is to completely remove myself.
I never wanted to do that.
But if I don't I will just keep setting myself up for more hurt.
I guess in this situation, in some way, happiness is a choice.
I don't want peole to know I'm happy - because that's usually when bad things happen.
...When I least expect them, when I'm too happy and can't see things happening around me.

I hate drama...I need better grades and to refocus my priorities on school.
i need to distract myself with school.
I need to refind that happiness within myself people keep disrupting...that people keep stealing.
But I must say...all this crap is making me stronger.
It has changed me.
Hopefully, in more positive ways than others.

I am so use to being shocked and hurt...I am terrified that something bad is always about to happen.
I hope I get a break. Just a small break.

I miss her

I miss her
She is hurting and I can't help her.
She has helped me so much, taken away so much of my pain...why can't I do the same for her?
She's been gone too long.
She needs to come home. She needs to be better, really better.
She needs to be honest.
She needs me and I need her.
I love her.
It is because of her I know what love really is. Love in a relationship with a guys is magical and amazing...but temporary. This love I have for this girl in inevitable, unstoppable, and unbreakable.

Everyone dies. I know that.
But everyone is also given the privilege to live.
I am giving the privilege to spend my life with her.
And I don't want it shortened.
She is my best friend; she is beautiful; she is everything I love and more.
I just wish I could help her.
I just wish she was here, better.

I miss her.


(I am not gay.)
Meep

Scratch and Rip

Weird Feelings
Good
Bad
Stressed
Relieved
Confused
Detached
Frustrated
Pleased

I have no idea what's happening.
But at least im feeling anything but sad.
I can't sad.
People can tell when im sad.
My heart flips inside out and everyone is starring at me, examining every scratch and rip.

I've realized: I Can't fix everything. And i'm not the cause of everything bad. And I shouldnt try to help everyone. I love helping people. But I can't help those who take advantage of me.
I won't help those who need to help themselves first.

Meep

The usual

So, here I am.
11:33pm. No homework done and I really don't care anymore.
I find myself on Facebook monitoring everyone else's happiness.
Just watching, don't worry.

Meep

Solitude

Does anyone have any sense of respect anymore?
Maybe it's because I'm too nice.
Maybe it's because I care too much; that's why people take advantage of me.
I want to be on my own, I want to live alone.
I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I'm okay

"How are you doing?"
I got that question multiple times today. As if suddenly, everyone who had made such an effort to completely ignore my existence finally cared. How am I doing?
I'm okay.
I'm okay with the fact that this guy took advantage of my forgiveness and misinterpreted it as an "okay" to date another girl.
Another girl who i considered my friend, who I defended when others trashed her.
A girl who I asked for advice after she went through the same struggles as I did.
A girl I never wanted to hate; A girl I don't want to hate.

As for you, ex boyfriend of two years, I hope you realize that because you failed to respect me and ignored my feelings, any chance of us ever...ever being friends has now withered away completely.
How could I have loved someone who would do this to me...? I am embarrassed.
Embarrassed that I fell so hard for someone I never expected to hurt me so much.
I never wanted to hate him.


I want to believe that there is someone out there for everyone, maybe even me.
But I can't see myself ever being that vulnerable again.
I can't see myself allowing someone else to break my heart again.
I can't see myself being loved again.

So, How am I doing?
Betrayed, Humiliated, Shocked...
And a very familiar feeling of abandonment.

Or simply...
"I am okay"

meep

3 months and a day

Fair enough.
 I was actually really happy, no really...this isnt sarcasm (yes it is)
And this news, ah this news...is the cherry.

I fell into the illusion of love and this is my punishment
I understand now
My own fault really...
Because "Happiness" is obviously a choice.
Now the world makes sense.

meep

Knock on wood? No? ok.

"I havent gotten sick yet"

I said this yesterday.

Prior to my sore throat and pounding head
EEEEEEEEEEEE. *knocks on wood*

meep

Slightly Visually Impaired

Blind
20/200 20/250
I have the worst eyesight of any of my friends
Yet I am convinced I see the world much clearer than most of them do
I hope they realize soon before it consumes them.

Why be bald?

Just recently I cut 8 inches off my hair.
This is the shortest my hair has ever been...and i really miss my long hair, but I guess i love this new doo.
I've gotten a lot of good feed back and a lot of questions, or rather, the same question asked frequently by everyone.
The usual day now:
*grabs my new short hair*
"HEY! You cut your hair!"
"Yes. Yes I did."
"Why? :D"

WHY? Why did I spontaneously decide to chop all my hair off?
Because I've had the same crazy hair my whole life and I wanted a change?
Because my dad guilt-ed me into it so much so that he eventually changed my mind?
Because I'm crazy?
Because I had long hair when I fell in love and got my heart broken?
Because I had long hair when she abandoned us?
Because I had long hair when my friend almost decided to leave me forever?
Because life just got too damn heavy.
Because  too many sad things relate back to when I had long hair.
Because I over think.
Or maybe I just felt like it.

I'm sure bad things will continue to happen.
I just needed a change.
And I like my hair.
I just wish I knew what to do with it.
I like life.
I just wish I knew what to do with it.

My biggest fear is that guys won't like me because my hair.
I guess that's good.
I wouldn't want a guy who just likes me for my hair.

It's hard being strange

I know it shouldn't get to me, but it does.
The fact that no one realized or acknowledged my absence yesterday.
The fact that no one cared if I was or wasn't in class yesterday.
No one, not one person was concerned or thought anything of me being gone
I only have a handful of people I would consider my best friends
And one's gone away and the other I can't stand to be around.
And the one's that aren't my friends find me strange. I can tell.
It's hard being strange.

My forgetfulness is getting worse.
Its much more than misplacing simple things.
I am starting to black-out; I am on auto-pilot and I hate not having control
I am spacing out constantly
losing EVERYTHING - not an exaggeration
it's one of my symptoms of my newly diagnosed anxiety.
Over-focused Anxiety they call it.
I need sleeeeeeeppp, but at the same time I need better grades.
I need help.
I need a break.

I need Camp Hardtner.
 meep